What is your greatest success? Be honest and think about this for a moment.

I once worked for a group of retirement homes in south Florida. One day a social worker called and told me about a quadruple amputee, an elderly woman with no family and very little money; the staff at that woman’s facility were so poorly paid, and thought so little of her for not paying them more, that they abused her, mocking her by dropping her in the shower. She had nowhere to go, not enough money, and only that social worker and me to do anything about it. I turned over my cases, and focused on hers.

Somehow, I found a home that would accept her, one that I’d visited and trusted. She was moved by the end of the day. I still weep for joy when I think of her, and how a simple person can do so small a thing as a day’s work, and yet make such a huge difference in someone else’s life.

What is your greatest failure? Be honest.

I have a hard time with intimacy—not just romantically, but being close with anyone. I tend to push others away. There are lots of reasons; I’ve always had reasons for why I behaved badly. But when I take away those excuses, and look at the bad thing I did, the sin I committed, it is still a sin.

By choosing one success and one failure, think of them as your summary, symbolic events that are prime examples of all your good and bad deeds.

“Therefore is the kingdom of heaven likened unto a certain king, which would take account of his servants.”—Matthew 18:23.

In this parable, I see each of us as the king. The servants are our actions. Though it’s more common to take the king to be God, remember that God is everywhere, existing within the souls of all that He has made.

“All things were made by him; and without him was not any thing made that was made.”—John 1:3.

“Neither shall they say, Lo here! Or, lo there! For, behold, the kingdom of God is within you.”—Luke 17:21.

In this parable, we sit in judgment on ourselves.

“And when [the king] had begun to reckon, one was brought unto him, which owed him ten thousand talents.”—Matthew 18:24.

Judgment day! Though I’d like to delay paying taxes, the time comes when they’re due. Likewise, I can deny my inner guilt for behaving badly, but only for a limited time. If I don’t forgive myself, and the person whom I felt did me wrong, then that guilt builds.

“Behold, I come as a thief. Blessed is he that watcheth, and keepeth his garments, lest he walk naked, and they see his shame.”—Revelation 16:15.

The more often we take inventory of our lives, through prayer and meditation, the more accurate we’ll be when we make the ultimate judgment: the one on ourselves.

“But forasmuch as he had not to pay, [the king] commanded him to be sold, and his wife, and children, and all that he had, and payment to be made.”—Matthew 18:25.

I am my own worst critic. Sometimes I can be brutal. Since the servant couldn’t pay, the king’s initial response was to banish not only the servant, but his family too.

“And the Lord said, I will destroy man whom I have created from the face of the earth; both man, and beast, and the creeping thing, and the fowls of the air; for it repenteth me that I have made them.”—Genesis 6:7.

Repentance is necessary for forgiveness. When it comes to forgiving ourselves, we must be made vulnerable to our worst critic, hoping for mercy and compassion.

“The servant therefore fell down, and worshipped him, saying, Lord, have patience with me, and I will pay thee all. / Then the lord of that servant was moved with compassion, and loosed him, and forgave him the debt.”—Matthew 18:26-27.

We are always at the mercy of ourselves. Like the Good Samaritan, and the father of the Prodigal Son, feeling compassion is our first step to showing mercy, which leads to forgiveness. But when we have to show mercy to ourselves, the struggle between good and evil becomes internal, where part of you will always lose. This complicates things.

“But the same servant went out, and found one of his fellow-servants, which owed him an hundred pence: and he laid hand on him, and took him by the throat, saying, Pay me that thou owest.”—Matthew 18:28.

Remember, in this meditation, we are the king. We sit in judgment on our actions, symbolized by the servant. When the servant was forgiven, he then committed a sin right away.

“Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Till seven times? / Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, until seventy times seven.”—Matthew 18:21-22.

Those verses precede this parable. To have a clean soul, and a healthy mind, we must not only forgive others, we must forgive ourselves, no matter how often it takes.

“And his fellowservant fell down at his feet, and besought him, saying, Have patience with me, and I will pay thee all. / And he would not: but went and cast him into prison, till he should pay the debt.”—Matthew 18:29-30.

In these studies of morality, I thought I’d learned the lessons, only to fail again and again. It’s hard to forgive every sin. I can’t help but get impatient with myself. I beat myself up, and would throw myself into prison if I could.

“Then his lord, after that he had called him, said unto him, O thou wicked servant, I forgave thee all that debt, because thou desiredst me; / Shouldest not thou also have had compassion on thy fellowservant, even as I had pity on thee?”—Matthew 18:32-33.

This was a soul that had just been forgiven. It had been shown mercy. How many more times should this soul be forgiven, since it can’t learn a simple lesson?

…until seventy times seven.

If you are good enough to be forgiven once, then that worth does not change. No matter what bad thing I’ve done, I did my part in making that woman’s life better in a new retirement home. Likewise, no matter what good thing I’ve done, a sin is still a sin. Neither is more important than the other; both count when it comes to Judgment Day.

“And his lord was wroth, and delivered him to the tormentors, till he should pay all that was due unto him.”—Matthew 18:34.

If we don’t forgive ourselves, then we will be tormented. Whether or not there’s an actual lake of fire, our teeth will be gnashing from guilt. Repentance is how we pay for our sins.

“So likewise shall my heavenly Father do also unto you, if ye from your hearts forgive not every one his brother their trespasses.”—Matthew 18:35.

Every one: That’s a lot. Remember, this is what the kingdom of heaven is like. Heaven is forgiving every sin. Bring in your servants, take account of all you’ve done, through meditation and prayer, and then repent and forgive every single sin. And then you’ll know what the kingdom of heaven is like.

I think forgiving ourselves is just as important as forgiving each other. As a thought exercise, we could replace all of the Bible’s lessons about forgiving others, with forgiving ourselves. I bet it would hold up.

Repentance requires the truth. Be honest with yourself.

“…for your Father knoweth what things ye have need of, before ye ask him.”—Matthew 6:8.

And you know what is in your heart, the good and the bad; respect them both, and learn from them. By practicing this type of meditation, maybe we won’t be too hasty on Judgment Day, our own personal apocalypse; maybe we won’t judge ourselves or others too harshly.

We must have faith in ourselves, mercy, compassion, and forgiveness for ourselves.

“And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.”—Matthew 6:12.

This is the kingdom of God that is within us all. The state of heaven is forgiveness.

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